How It Feels When Your Own Family Sees You as a Failure
The pain I’m feeling right now… I can’t even express it in words.
Even when I try, who would understand me? And if someone does, what difference would it make anyway?
This isn’t just today. This is every day. Every single day I feel it — the coldness, the words, the rejection.
Even though I’m surviving, the truth is only I know how I’m surviving. I forget most of the past — the things people said, the moments that hurt me — but it all comes rushing back when I feel sad or alone. And then I ask myself: why am I like this?
Growing Up in a Cold, Uncaring Family
My grandfather and father have said things that cut deeper than anyone else ever could.
They’ve told me I’ll “always give them pain,” that I “don’t have a brain,” and that I will “never have knowledge.”
They’ve made it clear that they care about my little brother, but not me.
All of this happened on my face, in front of others, and I laughed it off to survive. But the truth is, it hurt me in a way I can’t even explain.
In my family, warmth doesn’t exist. Nobody checks on anyone. Nobody cares if you’re hurting. Everyone just survives — emotionally detached, cold-blooded, like strangers living under the same roof.
Forgetting Pain,but It Always Returns
Sometimes I wonder if forgetting is my superpower… or my curse.
After some rest, some distraction, I feel healed, like it never happened. But then sadness hits again, and all those words, all that pain, comes back like a memory I didn’t ask for.
That cycle — forgetting, surviving, remembering — is exhausting. But it also shows one thing: I’m still here. I’m still standing.
Turning Pain into Strength
Pain has two choices: destroy you or fuel you.
I choose fuel. Every insult, every cruel word, every moment I’ve been rejected is becoming fire inside me.
I might not have money. I might not have anyone cheering me on. I might not even have love from my own family.
But I do have determination. I do have fire. And I do have the will to prove myself.
One day, the people who called me a failure will watch me rise — not because I wanted revenge, but because I refused to let their words define me.
Music: My Safe Place
Music is where I release the pain I can’t express in words.
Lyrics, beats, and melodies hold my sadness, my frustration, and my loneliness.
Maybe I was meant to feel this way — so I can create songs that connect with people who feel invisible, unheard, and broken.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever been called nothing, know this: you are not nothing. You are just in your “before” chapter.
My Promise to Myself
I don’t know what the future holds.
I only know this: I will never give up.
If I become something — good.
If I don’t — I’ll die trying.
But I will never let anyone’s coldness or cruelty make me cold.
I will never let their words define my worth.
I will prove everyone wrong. I will show them exactly who the f*** I am.
And when I come back to this post one day, I will smile — not because it didn’t hurt, but because I survived it.
🖤
Written by: Joss Collen
Date: October 5, 2025
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